Verse: Confused

I don't know what I want to do
I don't know who I want to be
Yet I do
I do have dreams, but how will I ever reach them
Why do I feel like this

Who am I?

Why do I care so much
But then am so self destructive
I feel like it's all my fault
But am I really the only one to blame?

Where do I go from here
What exactly is it that I need to do
Just tell me
Give me a plan
As detailed as you can make it
To the day, to the hour
What should I be doing right now
To work towards my goals

What are my goals?

Or is it just that I don't have the capacity
To be who I want to be
But I don't even know who or what that person is

Are the sacrifices worth making
Will I regret it
I already do
For the past, I mean, what I've done before

I want to be respected
I want to be admired
Why can't I just be normal
And not have those feelings all the time
What's wrong with me
I'm usually not like this
I'm usually more optimistic
Aren't I?

Why am I so confused
The grass is greener on the other side of the hill
Mine is always tended to yet still parched and somewhat incomplete

I feel so tired
What's the use?
Everyone has the same ending
Is luck really fate or just people's doing
Can fate be controlled
Or is it all an illusion
Why are people the way they are?

What am I going to do with my life?

I keep telling myself that I don't care what others think of me
That in itself is a contradiction
Everyone cares
Just some more than others
And in different circumstances

Everything is how you define it
Then why do so many things have universal definitions?

I don't get it
These empty yet full days of life
What is it all about?
Why are people and things not what they seem

Why can't everything just make sense for once?

How did I get to be this way
I feel so different from others
When it's uncomfortable and disadvantageous
But not any more unique than regular people
When it counts to be an individual

I feel like I need to stop everything
And just take time to figure it out
But should I even bother

Is it worth it?

This space before me is blank
And waiting

[Written: 9/23/05]